Wednesday, December 07, 2005

World's Greatest Invention: Cool Whip

With the holidays upon us, the Juice got to thinkin’ about one of the greatest treats ever devised by a human. Besides the blow job, that is. 'Cause that would be the greatest treat ever bestowed upon mankind. Seriously, the Juice wants to personally thank the first gal whoever thought to put a wang to her mouth. Before we go any further, let the Juice just say it better have been a gal who first did it. ‘Cause the Juice has a sneaky suspicious that it wasn't. And that scares the Juice a bit. So, at this early point, the Juice is gonna digress..

Cool Whip. That's what the Juice is goin' on about. Cool Whip! There ain’t nothin’ like. It could be the perfect food. It’s so dang versatile! You can top pumpkin pie with it. You can top ice cream with it. Or cookies. Or granola bars. Or funnel cake. Or hot chocolate. The Juice says “fuck the marshmallows, pass that tub o’ Cool Whip over here.” And the ladies love it to, especially when ya dunk your tool in it and…well the Juice is again gettin' a bit off topic.

Yea, the Juice knows it's a “non-dairy” toppin'. Which is code for not real. Kinda like when ya see “chocolately” on food packages. “Chocolately” means chocolate-like. Or chocolate tastin’. But, it ain’t chocolate. It’s kinda like the Krustyburger(the Juice has said it before, and I’ll say it again…I love Wikipedia!!!!). You know, the official meat-flavored sandwich of the 1984 Olympics?

The Juice don’t give fuck one about what tree huggers like these fairies think (my apologies to my fairy and other mystical-type creature readers), Cool Whip is fine. Sure. Sure. Cool Whip’s got partially hydrogenated coconut oil in it. And apparently partially hydrogenated anything ain’t good for ya.
So what? I’m sure ya folks sneerin’ at the Juice’s crassness are the same folks who drink diet soda. Didja know that artificial sweeteners in diet soda ain’t real good for ya? In fact, Aspartame, isn’t what ya would call “healthy” at all. Fascinatin’?!?!? But, just like beauty, truth, the Juice supposes, is in the eye of the beholder. Just ask the makers of Nutrasweet. So, you keep on drinkin’ and eatin’ diet shit. And the Juice’ll keep on eatin’ Cool Whip.

Cool Whip was put out by Kraft foods in 1967. Hard to believe, really. Ya think the shit would’ve been around since the turn of the century. The last turn of the century, that is. But it hasn't been. The Juice searched to see who invented Cool Whip. But, I came up empty handed. The Juice has a feelin’ that the folks who ran Kraft Foods at the time, had the genius killed who invented it. Why should they have to pay off the guy (or less likely, gal) who developed the stuff, when they can kill the genius and keep the spoils to themselves? More than likely the folks at Kraft drowned the genius in a giant tub of Cool Whip. Wouldn’t that be ironical?

But here’s sweet revenge for my imaginary dead genius. A recipe to make your own Cool Whip! Like Cool Whip is so expensive ya need to make it yourself. I guess if you’re too cheap to spend the buck 50 and buy the real stuff, then this recipe is for you. And the Juice has that feelin’ that you are that cheap. By the way, before ya click that link, make sure ya got your pop-up blocker on. Sheesh!

So, in closin', the Juice says “fuck you” to partially hydrogenated oils! Not only am I gonna keep on eatin’ the deliciousness known as Cool Whip, but I’m gonna eat the whole fucking tub of it! Ya gotta problem with that ya diet soda drinkin’ tree huggers?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you to the Juice! We have been a Cool Whip loving family since 1967. Who needs a recipe to make that deliciousness that is Cool Whip when you can buy the real (not real) thing for cheap? Anyway, a home recipe could never duplicate it's slight petroleum, cardboardish flavor.

8:23 AM  
Blogger the Juice said...

yea...what's the deal with that? "slight petroleum, cardboardish flavor"? Petroleum and cardboard are too distinct flavors. It's impossible for something to taste like both. Stupid tree huggers!

1:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is the insight I am looking for... Thanks the Juice!

And the ladies love it to, especially when ya dunk your tool in it and…

10:36 AM  

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