Monday, December 12, 2005

The 13th day of What the Juice likes about Christmas

Here we are back to the Juice’s countdown of the things I like about Christmas. What’s this, day 6? What? What’s that ya say? Day thirteen? Are ya fuckin’ me here? I got 13 more days to come up with crap I like about Christmas? Dang! What the hell did I get myself into here?

Well for day 13, the Juice is here to tell ya I loves Christmas shoppin’. Yea. That’s right. You can stuff your peepers back in your head. I’ll give ya a second to do it.

Not only does the Juice love Christmas shoppin’, but I don’t even mind all the stupid fucking people walkin’ around in the mindless haze they call Christmas shoppin’. Know why I like shoppin’ so much? I like it cause most times the Juice is doin’ the shoppin’ for hisself. Yea, that’s right. Hisself. Why else wait out in front of Target on Black Friday? C’mon! Who don’t shop for themselves at Christmas, you? Right....

Yea, we’ve all been fed that line, "it’s better to give than receive". Whoever the douche that thought of that was never on the recievin’ end of a blowjob, that’s for dang sure. However, I guess in the spirit of the holiday the Juice feels a bit obligated to say that it’s “nice” to buy stuff for other people. But, it’s even nicer to buy stuff for yourself.

Besides, who’s gonna buy ya what ya really want? Your significant other? As if. You’ve been tryin’ to get her to suck your balls for years now, has she done it? Noooooo! You’re kiddin’ yourself if ya think she’s got a clue. You expect her to know to buy ya that super limited edition what-the-fuck (that’s also true for you female readers out there. Just replace “vagina lickin’” with “suck your balls” and the “she’s” with “he’s” and you’re right where ya need to be…not gettin' what ya really want for Christmas. But, for the sake of my stupid readers, we’ll keep it from the "male perspective" here on out. I don’t wanna confuse anybody any further. Okay, ladies?)?

It don’t matter how many hints ya drop, either. She ain’t gonna get it for ya. You can even straight up and tell ‘er, Pretend if ya will:

It’s November 29th. You and your lovely bride are sitting around the his and her matching TV trays when she pops the question:

“Oh, sweetheart. What do you want for Christmas?

You gaze lovingly into her cow brown eyes and think: Well, what I really want is for you to leave. Or, if that’s not convienent enough…how about a three way? With anyone but you. But you say: “Dear, I want a super limited edition Baby Seal Hunter II: Baby Seal’s Revenge with real beating action for Playstation 5.2.”

She stares at you blankly. She replies, “Okay, dear.” But what she’s really thinking is: When is this man child I married ever going to grow up?

Now you know that she hasn’t grasped the significance of getting Baby Seal Hunter II: Baby Seal’s Revenge as soon as possible. Why would she? She never gets the significance of anything you care about. “If you’re really gonna get it for me, ya got to get it now. Because the stores are gonna sell out. It just came out, and it’s gonna be a hot seller. Let me get you a list of stores that sell it.”

You proceed to make a list of said stores. You smile at her as you hand her the list. It took you what? Half hour to do the research? As she takes the list from you, you realize you ain’t gonna get the game.

Fast forward to December 25. Guess what you didn’t get? Baby Seal Hunter II: Baby Seal’s Revenge. Guess what you did get. Who gives a fuck! It certainly wasn’t what ya wanted.

Has any of this happened to you? Of course it has. That’s why ya just save yourself the aggravation and buy whatever ya want for Christmas yourself. Done and done. If you’re in the holiday spirit, ya can give it to your wife to give back to you on that magical day. Seems a bit redundant, but what about Christmas ain't?

Or, ya can just do what the Juice does. Walk in from spendin’ a couple of hundred dollars at Best Buy and say to the missus…”Merry Christmas, honey. Thanks for all the gifts. You're the greatest!”