Wednesday, December 14, 2005

The 11th day of What the Juice likes about Christmas

Step right up! Come inside. On day 11 of our countdown, see what the Juice likes about Christmas. Buckle up, cause the coaster’s about to take off! Remember, keep all hands and feet inside. And no flash photography. Por favor, mantenganse allejado de las puertas.

So, the Juice likes Christmas songs. Yea, that’s right. You gotta fuckin' problem with that, sweetheart? I didn't think so. See, there ain’t nothin’ like listenin’ to Christmas music on Christmas Eve into Christmas day. It just sets the mood. Now, the Juice’ll be the first to admit, I don’t know the first thing about music. Hell, I don’t know the first thing about cars, sports, kids, carpentry, masonry, plumbing, photography, etymology, musicology or women(the Juice does know he loves lookin’ at hot naked women, though), for that matter.

The Juice, though, enjoys a good Christmas song. But, ya have to be specific about what song ya like. ‘Cause besides classical music, Christmas songs are the most covered music ever. Some of the Juice’s favorites are:

My Favorite Things by Johnny Mathis.
Mele Kalikimaka by Bing Crosby
Happy Holiday/The Holiday Season by Andy Williams
What are you doing New Year’s Eve – by anyone really
Any Christmas song by Frank Sinatra
Linus and Lucy by Vince Guarldi (yea I know it ain’t necessarily a Christmas song, but it reminds me of Christmas. If you're gonna nitpick, ya can always go fuck yourself)

Yea, those are some great Christmas songs. But, the Juice’s gotta tell ya, there are some seriously shitty ones out there too. Some are so dang bad, the universe is a worse place for their existence.

Here’s a scary thought for ya. Scienticians say that radio waves go out into the universe forever. Don’t believe the Juice? Then check out this quote from

“For over fifty years now, our first television and radio signals have been radiating out into space like a giant shock wave, or like waves radiating out from a pebble dropped into a pond. Another intelligent civilization could intercept them and wonder what they say. Imagine an alien race picking up one of our television signals, decoding it, and then sending what they believe to be an intelligent reply: "Lucy, I'm home!" or "So you want to be a wise guy, eh?"

That’s pretty fuckin’ scary ain’t it? So, in theory, all’s some aliens need is some sort or radio signal booster and Wham-o! They’ll be hearin’ what we’ve been listenin' to all this time. Now, wouldn’t it be embarrassin’ if one of the first things the aliens heard from us was "Grandma got ran over by a reindeer"? Just imagine what the aliens would think of us if they heard that. The Juice figures it 2 ways. We’d either be just a waste of time in there oversized, emotionless black eye and just leave us the hell alone. Or, they’re comin’ to Earth right now to take over the place. They probably figure were like rats and we don’t deserve the planet. I just hope when they get here, they don’t anal probe all of us. Cause the Juice don't enjoy things up his ass.

Know what other Christmas songs the Juice can’t stand? Probably not, so I’m gonna tell ya. "The Little Drummer Boy" by David Bowie and Bing fuckin' Crosby. Don’t even try layin’ that horseshit on me that it’s a classic. My Favorite Things is a classic. There ain’t nothing “classic” about this number. In fact, it down right blows. Who gives fuck one about these two numb nuts, anyway? Maybe 40 years ago it was cool, but really…what the fuck is Bowie singin’?

Then there's "Merry Christmas, Darling" by the Carpenters. What a whiney-ass song. I bet this chick couldn’t get laid if she tried. Dang! It just reeks of desperation. This gal needs to be dicked in the worst way. And normally, the Juice would oblige, however the Juice has two caveats. The missus would never let the Juice do it. She tends to suck that way. And two, the way this gal from the song is whinin’ on, it sounds a bit to the Juice that she ain’t good lookin’. Cause if she was good lookin’, she wouldn’t be whinin’ about some dude. Am I right? Can the Juice get an Amen? No? Okay. But, believe you me, the Juice don’t EVER nail ungood lookin’ chicks (my apologies to my ungood lookin’ female readers. Sorry you had to read it that way, but it’s all truth.)

Oh, wait. How about this annoyin' number? "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas". Who gives a fuck who it’s by. It’s fucking annoyin’. Now, the Juice don’t condone violence against children. No matter how temptin’ it might be. Especially after they’ve been mind fuckin’ ya all day. But, the kid who sings this song really needs a dope slap to the back of the head. And a “You ain’t gettin’ a hippo for Christmas, so shut the fuck up. Would ya? I’ve got one nerve left, and you’re doin’ the Acky Breaky Heart on it.” follow-up

Yea, there’s half a million Christmas songs that seriously bite. Like, "Santa Claus is comin’ to town" by Bruce Springsteen. All of Mariah Carey’s songs. Clay Aiken? C’mon! Ya know, now that the Juice considers it, all contemporary “artist” Christmas songs suck dead monkey balls. So, the Juice’ll just have to stick to the classics, thank you very much.

Well, I ain’t entirely sure how this post de-volved into Christmas songs I can’t stand, but like most things on this site, it’s best not to think about it too long. Cause it’ll only cloud your brain. And make you stupider. It probably causes Athlete’s Foot, too. But, that ain’t never been proven.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you the Juice for your Merry Christmas lists (oh, dare I say Christmas during this pervasive secular sweep over America, but I digress)
The f*cking worst Christmas Song E-V-E-R

Hillbilly Holiday by Willie Nelson:
Pretty Paper

9:04 AM  

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