Monday, November 14, 2005

Force or Blasters?

The Juice has been meanin’ to start this for sometime now. I’m just now gettin' to it. What can I say? I'm a lazy, lazy man.

There isn’t a specific name for this lil game I'm about to introduce, but the Juice is callin’ it Force or Blasters. It entails comin’ up with 2 opponents in either a Force fight or a Blaster fight and determine who’d win. The Juice used to do this with some folks in another project I was involved with. A group of us would get into discussions over who’d win and why. Most times, these “discussions” would often end up in battles themselves.

Confused? Think the Juice is ramblin'? How true you are. But, let me give you an example: How about...Luke v Han. Who’d win? Some might say Han. Some might say Luke. Stupid, right? Let’s throw some variables in there. Like, Luke v Han in a Force fight. Who’d win? Luke hands down. How about Luke v Han in a blaster fight? Han, right? Or Luke from the beginnin’ of A New Hope v Han in a Force fight. A little tough, but I’m givin’ this to Luke.

It’s all fairly cut and dry, right? Here’s where it gets interestin’ (and by interestin’, the Juice means absurd). Who’d win in a blaster fight between Luke from A New Hope and, say, Abe Lincoln, no Force? Don’t be so quick to judge. I hear that Abe could handle a weapon. The Juice is sayin’ Abe on this one.

We’re not limited to Star Wars, here. Who’d win in a Force fight between Charlie Brown and Steve Buscemi? This one’s easy. Chuck Brown. No doubt about it. That’s dude’s about 5 seconds from bitch slappin Lucy back to the stone age. And he’s 3 seconds away from goin’ to the dark side.

So, we’re gonna do a lil audience participation here. You name the contestants and the particulars and the Juice names the winner, we aren’t limited to Force or Blaster fights, either. Could be a street fight, a Kung Fu battle, or even a cake-off. All battles are non-negotiable. Once the Juice declares a winner, we move along. I’ll post the battles here on the blog on Mondays. You can email your battles to me here. Or you can post them in comments. Whatever.

I'm not quite sure why I'm doin' this. If it ends up suckin, then it sucks. And we never speak of it again.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oprah vs Dr. Laura: blasters

8:19 AM  
Blogger the Juice said...

interestin' challenge...

Although Dr. Laura and Oprah are about the same age, size is definitely on Dr. Laura's side. However, I get the feelin' that Dr. Laura rest on her laurels a bit. Well, a lot. To the Juice, Oprah seems to be a bit spry for her size. She might not be quick as a skink, mind ya, but she's definitely got some power behind her. So, after absolutely no deliberation, the winner is� You and me. Cause they take each other out.

7:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

heat miser vs cold miser from A Year Without SAnta

8:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Rod Serling vs. Alfred Hitchcock: force

3:30 PM  
Blogger the Juice said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:29 PM  
Blogger the Juice said...

Now...Serling v Hitchcock Force battle. Serling all the way. Hitchcock thinks he's so high brow (and you know anyone with "cock" in their name is a jerk. Need the Juice remind you about Dickus McCockpants?) And that's Al's weakness. Serling, true man of the people. Not only does Serling win, but he makes Hitchcock cry like a lil school girl.

9:30 PM  
Blogger the Juice said...

Fuckin' blogger...ruined the cleverness of my original comment.

Anyway...gettin' back to the Heat Miser battle. Here's what ya missed:

"alright...first the heat miser battle:

listen ya moron. it's the SNOW miser, not the cold miser. Duh! what an idiot!

since ya didn't specific the battle, I'll go with a Force battle. Now ya think this might be a draw. Since they're opposites (one bein' heat the other bein' snow). But, they're both equally bad in the cartoon. That bein' said, the Juice goes with the Heat miser. Only a bad ass could get away with hair like that!"

9:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Clint Eastwood vs. Charles Bronson Blasters

11:51 AM  
Blogger the Juice said...

interestin' combatants, but...C'mon! blasters? how original. that's was sarcasm, by the way. what would've been more interestin' would've been Eastwood v Bronson in the 50 yard dash. or even a chili -off. but, since you decided to go the small minded a blaster fight it goes to Eastwood. Hell, in the 50 yard dash, a chili off or a blaster fight, Eastwood's winner. how dare you even suggest they were in the same category!

12:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Elmo vs. Oscar the Grouch Force

10:06 AM  
Blogger the Juice said...

dang! now that's a battle! it's about time one of ya's came up with somethin' clever.

the Juice hates elmo. i swear to the christ, i hate elmo. i'd like to see the other muppets gang up on elmo, rip his head off, and shit on the hand of whoever's controllin' elmo. yea...that's pretty severe. but, if you had to deal with elmo's annoyin' antics on a daily basis for almost ten years, you'd be sick of the fucker too.

the Juice's prejudice's aside, i gotta say this ain't much of a fight. not only does oscar kick elmo's ass, but he rips his head off and shits on the hand of whoever's contollin' elmo. pretty severe, but ya don't fuck with oscar. 'specially in a Force fight,

10:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Green Arrow vs. Legolas Blasters

10:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

juice from 5 minutes ago v present time juice. lightsabers

11:08 AM  
Blogger the Juice said...

first, green arrow v legolas

i'm not sure about this legolas. the Juice ain't sure who or what it is. the Juice feels safe in assumin' that it has to do with legos. and the Juice digs legos. i figure it's got to be one of those cool lil lego figures.

in any case, the Juice thinks green arrow is a bit of a douche. and by bit, i mean really a douche. those arrows are stupid. a boxing glove on an arrow tip? c'mon! everyone knows that shit'll never work.

in any case, once again, i gotta give it to green arrow. only cause i don't think any lego figure could take on a superhero.

9:16 PM  
Blogger the Juice said...

now...the Juice v the Juice. lightsabers. fascinatin'.

the Juice is goin' with the Juice from 5 minutes ago. The Juice was so dark side back then, all angry and bitter. And we all know that leads to the dark side. Real time the Juice is just so dang tired. I drank a shit load of soda about 20 minutes ago. And I'm burnin' out from all that sugar. Right now, if the Juice from 5 minutes ago came up, lightsaber ready, Real time Juice would be "fuck it". I'd be pullin' an Obi-Wan. Strike me down Darth the Juice from 5 minutes ago. But, I can guran-damn-tee that it wouldn't be makin' Real Time the Juice any more powerful. Believe you me, Real time the Juice ain't in tune with the Force. At all. Four kids, fuck with your head so much that ya couldn't possibly know the force. shit, even yoda would break down from the pressure

9:23 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

my apologies for assuming the juice is an informed individual - Legolas is the elf from Lord of the Rings

8:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Genghis Kahn vs. Gandhi Force

8:31 AM  
Blogger the Juice said...

Apparently “anonymous”, you are the one who is greatly mis-informed. While it is true the Juice was unaware of who Legolas is, you, “anonymous”, are unaware of the fact that the Juice can’t stand the Lord of the Rings. Yea..ya can spout off about it bein’ an epic. An epic piece of crap. Or an epic waste of time. The Juice never got into all that Dungeons and Dragons crap. It all seems a bit nerdish to the Juice. That ain't ta say that superheroes, legos and cartoons aren’t. It's just that medieval magic shit is just that...SHIT.

In any case, apparently this Legolas cat, is a bit of an archer. In fact, he’s a fairy. And these fairies are excellent archers. Whatever. So, goin’ against what I said about re-negotiatin’ my verdict, the Juice gives the victory to Legolas. Happy, “anonymous”? Ya fucking baby!

1:06 PM  
Blogger the Juice said...

Now Kahn v Gandhi. Now were talkin’. This one is so good, I doin’ my research on it. Check out the main page for a complete post about it later tonight!

1:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

David Lee Roth vs. Sammy Hagar Blasters

11:22 AM  
Blogger the Juice said...

sammy v dave in a blaster fight? the Juice is glad ya didn't make it a Van Halen three way and include that Gary Cherne clown. in any case, I give it to sammy. dave's got sooo many screws loose, i don't think he'd know end from end.

7:51 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

James Kirk -vs- Han Solo : blasters

11:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Terrell Owens vs. Peyton Manning Force

9:31 AM  
Blogger the Juice said...

we've got two sweet battles here. comments just won't do them justice. look on the main page for my results

9:46 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Howard Stern vs. Dick Clark Blasters

9:11 AM  
Blogger the Juice said...

Howard Stern vs. Dick Clark: Blasters

This ain’t much of a battle here. The Juice ain’t so sure how much Dick Clark has recovered from his stroke last year. He probably can’t even hold a blaster, much less participate in a battle. I mean what’s gonna do? Fight from his bed? Fire from his teeth? Someone’s gotta hold his weapon for him. Who? You?

I guess there’s always a chance of that Dick gets off that miracle shot, but I've gotta give this one to Stern.

12:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Santa Clause vs. Hanukkah Harry Blasters

10:42 AM  

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