Abolishing the stupidity that is Thanksgiving

Dang! the Juice can’t stand Thanksgiving. That’s why the Juice is here to propose that we just abolish the holiday and declare November 1st through January 1st "Christmasfucktaculas"!!! Pretty fucking catchy, ain’t it? Don’t bother, the Juice is lookin’ into coinin’ it as we speak, to coin another phrase. As it were.

So, why abolish Thanksgiving? 'Cause, it’s a complete waste of time. There used to be an era, long ago, when Thanksgiving was useful. Way back when, Thanksgiving was the day that set off the holiday shopping season. But, now…it’s just a beat-up welcome mat to the monstrosity known as Christmas (no offense the Christ, of course). Cause now, the unofficial day that kicks off the holiday shopping season appears to be Halloween. Well, actually All Saint’s Day, November 1st, would be the unofficial kick off. Don’t believe the Juice? Fuck you, cause it’s true.

I ain’t sure where you live. And truth be told, I don’t care. I know where I live and in these parts, radio stations start playin’ Christmas music back on November one. This trend started after 9/11. the Juice understands why it happened back then. The country was hurtin’ after that horrifyin’ tragedy. And we need somethin’, ANYTHING, to feel good, comforted. And what’s more comfortin’ then Andy Williams singin “don’t forget to suck on my cock?” Uhhhh…I mean, “Don’t forget to hang up your sock.” Regardless, radio stations started playin’ Christmas music November 1st. And that first year, in 2001, it was cool. And since it worked in 2001, said radio stations figured it would work in 2002. And 2003. And 2004. And 2005. They’ve started playin’ Christmas music on November 1st every fuck year since 2001. IT’S ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!!

Now, I know what you’re thinkin’. You thinkin’: “But, the Juice, just because the radio stations start playing Christmas music earlier doesn’t mean the holiday season starts any sooner.” The Juice is here to tell ya, that you’re completely off base. Ya want proof? Do you need proof that the holidays start sooner now? Well, I don’t got any physical evidence. I’ve got plenty of hearsay and conjecture, though. And we all know that’s just as good as real evidence.

Once ya got Christmas music in people's ears, they want to shop. Shop, shop, shop, shop, shop!!!!! People are worse than Pavlov’s dog. Ya hear Christmas music and BOOM! “Christmas is around the corner. I gotta start shoppin’”. It used to be that after Halloween, the stores would do a lil something for Thanksgiving. You know, a small section of Thanksgiving theme crap for ya to buy. In the meantime, they’d get the rest of the store ready for Christmas and the mythical “Black Friday.” Granted, stores didn’t have much in the way of Thanksgiving shit (lets get real, it’s just an eatin’ holiday. Not a gift-givin’ one), but a nod to the token holiday, nonetheless. Today, though, the stores don’t even acknowledge Thanksgiving. Ya got ad’s featurin’ Christmas shit right after Halloween!?!?!? WTFMFF?

The only stores that give shit one about Thanksgiving are the grocery stores like the Piggly Wiggly. And the only reason they give a shit is cause they’ve got turkeys to sell. And if there’s one thing the Juice totally unlikes, it’s turkey. Sounds fairly communistic of the Juice, right? Well, the Juice don’t like watermelon, either. But that’s a tale for another day. See, the Juice eats a lot of chicken. Supposedly, it “healthier” than steak. The Juice loves steak. LOVES IT! But, meat ain’t good for your heart. At least that’s what my quack of a doc tries to sell me. I don’t want to get into here. Suffice it to say, the Juice eats a lot of chicken. So, why the fuck should I get a hard-on about a turkey? I’m eatin’ it's cousin on a daily basis. If ya wanted somethin’ to get excited about, how about a nice ham for Thanksgiving? Now that’s somethin’ you don’t have everyday. Or, better yet, a nice Porterhouse. But, no, we gotta eat turkey.

But, I digress…

There ain’t nothing like a holiday like Thanksgiving to make you feel like a kid again. And the Juice ain’t talkin’ the “God damn! I can’t believe I got the Darth Vader action figure I've wanted all year” feelin’ like a kid way. No, the Juice is talkin’ about, that sick to your stomach, condescendin’ way. You know what I’m talkin’ about. Aunt Susie criticizin' everything about ya. Or Uncle Fred wantin’ to know why ya can’t hold down a job. Or your ma wantin’ to know why you don't do stuff for her. You know, the shit ya’ve been puttin’ up with since ya can remember. Kinda like:

“Whatja do to your hair?” Aunt Susie asked shovin’ another heapin' spoonful of mash potatoes down her gullet.

Or

“You look like you’re puttin’ on weight, sweetheart.” Gee, thanks for noticin'.

Or

“You don’t come to visit. How come? Your sister comes every week.” Maybe if ya would stop your fuckin’ naggin’ I might stop by every once in awhile.

I’m sure you get the picture. Thanksgiving is a seriously masochistic holiday. So why would ya spend that valuable time with people ya can’t stand? I mean, ya spend all year avoidin’ them. And ya willfully get together with them for dinner? What’s the matter with you? If ya were really thankful for the people in your life, ya wouldn’t need a special day, once a year to let them know. You would just up and tell ‘im. Maybe even give 'em a hug. Believe you me, the Juice ain't condonin' huggin'. Hand jobs? That's a different story...

So, let just get rid of Thanksgiving. We’d be doin’ ourselves a favor. Besides, that’d be an extra day for the stores to be open durin’ Christmasfucktaculas. Just think of how many more moeny they'd make if they could stay open an extra day…