Sunday, October 16, 2005

Some things ya just don't screw with

20 Million Year Old Spider Found in Amber

So, the Juice was doin’ his internet thing recently. Ya’know. Lookin’ for fascinatin’, thought provkin’ shit to write about. For the life of me, I don’t know why I do it. I’m fairly positive I have better things to do. I could be watchin’ the poorest excuses for shows, Desperate Housewives and Grey’s Anatomy, like the rest of you droolin’ morons. Or, I could be drinkin’ my 17th beer while watchin’ the Texans/Seahawks game. Or I could just stare blankly at the wall. They’re all about as productive.

No. What does the Juice do on his Sunday night? Look for somethin’ to write about. If I was you, and thank the maker I’m not (‘cause believe you me, ain’t no one wants your life), I wouldn’t feel honored. ‘Cause I’m basically just trollin’ for porn.

Somewhere in my porn search, the Juice stumbled upon the above article. Now, I ain’t sure if this article is more fascinatin’ or scary. See, some scientician managed to draw blood from a 20 million year old spider. Which is fairly fucking cool, right? I mean, 20 million years old? That’s old. I’d like to say that was the end of the story. Ya’know. The science dude draws the blood, starts struttin’ around. Showin’ how much of a muthatruckin’ bad ass he is. He’s probably all up in the other scientician’s faces sayin’ shit like:

“How you like me now, bitch? You couldn’t draw blood from a open wound, sucka.”


This dude probably rules the lab, now. Gets the best parkin’, the newest Bunsen burners. I bet this amazin’ feat get this guy some serious tail. Even if it’s just nerdy, scientician tail (My apologies to my nerdy, female scientician type readers). He probably went up to all the gal scienticians workin in the lab with his test tube of blood, and just started mouthin’ off.


Be that as it may, there’s some scary shit in this discovery. Like this for instance: “…It is possible the blood could be used to extract DNA.” The first thing I thought when I read that was, WTFMFF!?!?!? Didn’t these clowns see Jurassic Park? Those scienticians don’t give fuck one about anything but clonin’ dinosaurs. Any chance they get, that’s the first thing they want to do. I’m willin’ to wager dollars to donuts a conversation like this went down shortly after the extraction:

“Hey, George. I finally got some drops of blood from that spider.”

“No shit, Henry! Do you think we can clone dinosaurs now?”

“We’re sure as fuck gonna try! Right after I show this test tube to Mary Ann and Ginger back in the lab.”

“Ya, think they’re both gonna do ya?”

“Think it? Think it? Shit, you know how those lab gals are. You show them a little vial of 20 million year old blood, and they get all excited. You'll have to peel them off me.”


See want I mean? Those scienticians won’t be happy until dinosaurs become our overlords. That ain't the best part, though. There’s one more interestin’ lil nugget in the article. And only a really smart person could figure this out:


"Palaeontologist Dr David Penney, of the School of Earth, Atmospheric and Environmental Sciences, has now used the blood droplets to trace how, when, and where the spider died all those years ago.

Dr. Penney said: "It's amazing to think that a single piece of amber with a single spider in it can open up window into what was going on 20 million years ago.
By analyzing the position of the spider's body in relation to the droplets of blood in the amber we are able to determine how it died, which direction it was traveling in and even how fast it was moving."

In the latest issue of the journal Palaeontology (2005, vol. 48, part 5), Penney describes how the spider died. He believes the spider was climbing up a tree when it was struck head-on by a sudden strong flow of resin. The spider then became engulfed in the resin and died."


In case ya missed it: “...as now used the blood droplets to trace how, when, and where the spider died all those years ago.” Now, the Juice ain’t very bright. But, I’d be willin’ to gather up a guess as to how that spider died. But, I might be wrong. And I don’t want to embarrass myself. So, lets read a bit further down. Maybe it’ll shed some light. Like, maybe here: “He believes the spider was climbing up a tree when it was struck head-on by a sudden strong flow of resin. The spider then became engulfed in the resin and died.” Uhhhh…duh? It took them to extract 20 million year old blood, which I’m sure ain’t real cheap, to figure out that the spider was “struck head-on by a sudden strong flow of resin”? Uhhhh…duh? The Juice could’ve told ya that. Shit, and my rates are so much cheaper. I would’ve told you that for 50 bucks and a case of Zima. It probably would’ve went down somethin’ like this:

“Mr. the Juice,” the curator of the museum said, handin’ me the amber with the spider in it. “Could you tell us how this spider died.”

“Sure.” I responded, examinin’ the amber. “It’ll cost ya 50 bucks and a case of Zima, though.”

“That’s it?” the curator said surprised. “The other science dudes want to use an extremely expensive process to determine how it died. They said they would need state of the art equipment. And many female lab assistants, with massive cleavage.’

“Massive cleavage?” I consider it for a moment. I could get hot lab assistants outta it? “Nah, don’t sweat it.” I toss him back the amber encased spider. “The fucker died when that amber shit dropped on it, preservin’ it forever.”

“Amazing!” the curator said astounded.

“Yea, no problem.” I grabbed the curators arm. “But listen. Don’t let those other science guys getta hold of this.”

“Why?” he asked concerned.

“’Cause they’d just want to get the blood to make dinosaurs. You saw Jurassic Park, right? We don’t need any of that shit goin’ down.”

The curator straightened out his jacket. “You are absolutely correct sir! I’ll have those other scienticians escorted from the premises.” He turned to walk away. “And, I’ll have to send those hot lab assistants home.”

Shit! I curse to myself. I can’t believe I didn’t ask for hot lab assistants!


Is that all it takes to be a scientician? If so, the Juice has seriously been wastin’ his life away.

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