Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Tales from the Vacation Part 1 of Too Many

by the Juice

Bein's that not one of a damned you is a loyal reader, I might as well catch you up. I recently took the Brockman clan on a pilgrimage to Mecca. Not to offend some of my more ethnic readers, but by Mecca I mean Disney World. Now, for all the rantin' I do around this place, it might surprise you to know that I actually enjoy Disney World. In fact, I’d almost say that I love that place. If I only knew what love was. I'm sure that Foreigner could show me, though.

So the adventure starts out, as most mythical journeys do, at the airport. Surprisingly, the time at the airport and even the flight were relatively uneventful. Believe you me, though, I was more than slightly worried. You know, the kids and all. Who knew how those turds were gonna be on the flight? What a freakin’ crap shoot I was takin’. But, the brood was good. Coulda been the elephant sedatives they were “accidentally” given. (NO EMAILS. I’m speakin’ strictly metaphorically here when I say they were “accidentally” given sedatives. No children were hurt during this vacation. Although I can honestly say, some children came awfully close to a world class hurtin’. But, again, I’m speakin’ metaphorically.) We flew SOUTHWEST AIRLINES: You’re Free to Move About the Country. I’m not sure if any of you folks ever flew SOUTHWEST AIRLINES: You’re Free to Move About the Country, but it’s quite a different experience than what I’m used to. Not that I’m what you call a “frequent flyer”. I wouldn’t even call myself a once a decade flyer. The last time I flew was on US Scareways (I don’t get any money for plugs from that particular airline.) in it’s heyday. Believe you me, it wasn’t anythin' like flyin’ on SOUTHWEST AIRLINES: You’re Free to Move About the Country. See, gettin’ your seat on SOUTHWEST AIRLINES: You’re Free to Move About the Country is like gettin’ a seat at the movie theatre. First come first serve. Which I didn’t know when I was bookin’ my seats on the town's computer. And since I’m one of the cheapest motherfuckers ever existed, I bought the cheapest seats. I remember sayin’ to myself while I was bookin’, “Who in their right, or left, mind would consider payin' more for the same seat at the higher rate unless they had to?” Well, now I see why. Turns out that SOUTHWEST AIRLINES: You’re Free to Move About the Country believes in the caste system. Those that buy the more expensive tickets get on the plane first. There by gettin’ the best seats. The rest of the lower payin’ morons get sloppy seconds that were left over from the big dicked, high rollin’ vultures. Which, believe you me, ain’t much. Thankfully, the Juice here had an unintentional ace up his sleeve. Cause truth be told, I ain’t that smart to do otherwise. Turns out that families flyin' on SOUTHWEST AIRLINES: You’re Free to Move About the Country with children under 2 get to board the plane first. NICE! Score one of the very few for the Juice! I knew that my boy, Lucifer, would prove his worth eventually. So, I smiled brightly as we passed all the stupid bastards that had been in line for hours to board the plane. Hee- hee!

The lesson here? Don’t fly SOUTHWEST AIRLINES: You’re Free to Move About the Country unless you paid for the expensive ticket or you get to the airport 6 hours before you scheduled flight. Cause if you’re flyin’ with anyone but yourself you ain’t gonna be sittin’ with that person. Which might not be a bad thing. Considerin’ that you spend every damn wakin’ minute with that person. And it probably wouldn’t be a bad idea to get the hell away from said person for a few precious seconds. If only to remember what it was like not to be married, not to have several children and be able to fuck the entire cheerleadin’ squad. Not that you ever did nail cheerleader one, but it’s nice to think that you did. But, uhhh, I digress…


The Juice on SOUTHWEST AIRLINES: You’re Free to Move About the Country


I saw a family of what looked like 10 sit in all opposite sides of the plane. Not a one of them sat together. Which, as I said earlier, might not have been a bad thing.

Next: Damn! What a huge fuck resort!!!!!!